From out of nowhere...............

It's been a while since I have updated, mainly because I started another blog dedicated to an entirely seperate aspect of my life that was important enough that it have it's own "space". I am going to be a father, and being inspired by another parent's blog which I frequent daily (www.dooce.com), I decided to satrt a blog for my baby. One day, I hope the Baby will read the posts Chelle and I have written about this wonderful journey that has became a family. The blog is located at www.incelebrationofyou.blogspot.com. I will still update here from time to time, but it seems to me that the Baby, not myself, is the new focus of my heart and attention.
Honestly, I didn't believe it at first. The little line on the test was so faint, I told Chelle it was just the outline of where the line should be. But then her period never came, and the Second testing period, which consisted of three test over two days, were undeniable. When the first of these tests showed a darker line, I said Shit while standing in the bathroom looking at the test. I am excited to be a Daddy, it is a blessing and only came to be when I finally met the women who I was meant to be with.
I am almost completely recovered from my motorcycle accident, I just finished being treated for a pinched sciatic nerve that I had thought was a torn hamstring because of the pain I was having in my right leg. My ribs have healed, my collarbone has mended, even though it looks odd protruding from my shoulder the way it does now. My neighbor told me that the accident set my life on a different course. In the aftermath of it I conceived a child, started a different job, and have been trying to make more progress in my emotional growth with Chelle. It's funny how in life even the accidents serve a purpose, sometimes in the moment we cannot see just how profund the changes can be. Many positive things have occured between Chelle and I since we learned that we would be parents. Most notably the party has come to an end, no more alcohol every night, and even though I am not a big drinker, my nightly appointment with my smirnoff and cranberry juice was getting to be a ritual. But in the process of drinking every night Chelle and I were putting progress on our relationship on hold, and I for one am glad to see things back on track.
This is just the beginning of something wonderful, which is funny because I already felt that just from the fact that I was sharing my life with such an amazing woman. We don't know if it is going to be a boy or girl yet, but nevertheless it will be loved and cared for just the same. When we ate Chinese buffet a few weeks back, we used the astrology calendar to figure out what sign the baby would be born under. It's going to be a Rat, with a Snake for a Daddy and a Dragon for a Mommy. It's going to be interesting, I cannot wait! :)

Thank your lucky stars.......

Yesterday was the first day Chelle and I spent together since last week. We decided we would go to the Farmer's Market in Pittsboro and go see a good friend of ours who was also in a motorcycle accident 25 days ago.Something about riding extended periods in the car really causes my ham-string to act all crazy, and I thought I was going to lose it after spending an hour straight in the car. Then we get to Chapel Hill. We were visiting Matthew, who is the son of Michelle's former employer's. He had multiple brain injuries, had to be put into a coma when he was in ICU because his injuries were so severe. So we make it up to his floor, get to his room and it is empty. Quickly we went to the nurses station and asked if he was still in physical therapy, we had tried to plan our visit so that we wouldn't be there at an inopportune time. The nurses told us just to walk around, that he spends most of his days circling the rehab floor non-stop. When we first seen him, walking with his Mom under one arm and his Father on the other, I had to choke back the tears. I used to see Matthew all the time whenever I worked at the restaraunt beside his. He looked so different. He was always clean shaven, but now he had a cast-away like beard because he had been in a neck brace since he had been there and hadn't been allowed to remove it until just earlier that day. It was hard not to cry, and believe me I don't cry at many things. But here was this young man, who was so full of life and vigor, and he wasn't the same. I talked to him, but Michelle did an awesome job talking with him and treating him with so much love and compassion. He hugged her as soon as he seen her. She gave him some zuchinni bread she had made. At first we tried to sit with him in the room, but he didn't want to be still. So we began to loop the rehab floor in one big endless circle. Michelle eventually ened up supporting him on his left side, with Matthew walking in the middle and His step-dad on the right. While walking behind them his Father told me that he walks the hospital halls non-stop, that he has so much nervous energy from his brain trying to heal that he just keeps moving constantly. He has to re-learn even the simplest daily tasks that we take for granted, but his long-term memory is intact. He remembered about some soap that Chelle had sent him two weeks earlier. The look in his eyes told me he was in there, but they had him so drugged up that I can't remember seeing him blink his eyes once. I have to give props to his Mom and Dad, who have been there every day since he was life-flighted up there. He has come so far for some one who was given such a bleak prognosis, and I pray that he will contintue to do so. where I am going with all this is simple. When you think you have it bad, or life is constantly handing you lemons, it could always be worse. Be thankful for what you do have.
On another note at the Farmer's Market I got to meet some of Chelle's former selling friends at the various booths. You should have seen how many people knew and missed her. She had to tell most of them that she didn't live at the farm anymore, that her and Don were no longer together and that's why she wasn't selling her goat's milk products and eggs anymore. But one thing that stuck with me was how everyone she talked to, she not only inquired about them, but also various family members and spouses. She has an awesome heart and it's always nice to see the love that other people have for her as well. She is an amazing woman. I know she has went through some pretty big changes since she left the farm, and everything she knew at the time. I am so proud of her, and how far she has come in such a short period of time. Secretly I feel blessed to be able to be there for her, to share with her my life, my heart, and my soul. I couldn't be in better hands. I used to be a very jealous person, but being with her has changed that also. I have never been one to share, but Chelle is such a loving and giving person that I know I can't keep here all to myself. She always contributes something positive to a conversation or situation, and I can't in good conscience hoard all that for myself.
I'm hopefully returing to work next week, and I have mixed feelings about it. I do miss working, but I think that doing the "house-wife" thing has worn off on me somewhat. Beleive it or not I am stressed over how I am going to balance going back to work and trying to keep things in order. I know Chelle will be there to help me with this, but I am the type of person who finds comfort in being responsible and think that once I return to work it will be more of a challenge to keep up with the clothes, the cleaning, the shopping, etc.
This last paragraph is for Matthew. If you pray, pray for him and his family. He is so young, with so much life left to live. He has made amazing progress, but has a long way to go. I look forward to seeing him out of the hospital and back to his old self.

Finding your Personal Legend

Today's post is somewhat of a somber one. The last few days were pretty interesting, but after Wednesday my mood has been somewhat somber, thanks in part to a rather disturbing movie I watched with Chelle. The movie was called Requiem for a Dream, and if you haven't watched it yet you should. I haven't posted in a few days, something in me develops this sort of blogger's block whenever I am unsettled or in turmoil. But then why blog if you're not going to be honest with yourself and your readers?
The movie was very insightful, bringing back some feelings and memories that I have kept buried for some time now. I was moved by how the movie depicted the many ways people are affected by addiction,and how the things that some-one who is addcited not only disrupts their own life, but the people around them who love and care about them.
So what does this have to do with my Personal Legend? In the Alchemist, by Paulo Coehlo, you learn that your Personal Legend is the path you are meant to take in life to find true happiness. Time is a linear concept, with a start and end point. If you believe this then, everything that happens is already presdestined, and you live your life catching up to the events that shape you, and how you deal with this is what makes you the person that you are. You have to take the good with the bad, but over the course of a lifetime your heart can harden and hearing that still small voice that guides you in the right direction becomes harder than it was when you were young and the world was full of wonder. Believing in something, especially yourself does not come easily for everyone. Listening to your heart, following your dreams, takes faith and perserverance. We were all meant for great things, but each one of us has a different learning curve that leads us to that which we were meant do. Nothing happens to us that wasn't meant to be, but sometimes it is hard to see the mountain top when you are in the valley.
Sunday is Father's Day, and for all of you who have had a good father who was an excellent role model, you should show them how much you appreciate that. I am still debating what if anything I will do for my father that day. Growing up my Dad was not around, my Mom and he divorced when I was very young. It has only been in the last three years that my Father and I have been close, and even now our relationship can be strained at times. Often I am asked why I go out of my way to spend time with him and stay in touch, and I have to say there is a certain sense of inner peace that comes with being the better person. I don't want to do as he has done, I want to do better. A good qoute that was shared wiht me some time ago said that in forgiving some-one, you realize that you weren't holding them prisoner, but yourself. And there is no point in forgiving some-one if you can't forget. So if you are able call, e-mail, text, or send your dad a card and let him know how much you appreciate him this Sunday.

Thursday in the apartment complex. Mama Dee has yet to emerge from her apartment this morning, Brandon is still sleeping so I am trying to finish all the things that keep me from being downstairs and in their path. Don't get me wrong, they are good people. But some days I can't even take out the trash without someone "borrowing" a cigarette, using my phone at least twice, and needing a ride somewhere into town that I am not going to get any gas money for. Whenever we loan them something as simple as a cake pan or soup pot it is like getting your wisdom teeth, all four, pulled at once trying to get whatever it is returned. The last cake pan we loaned out came back two weeks later scratched all to hell, rusted, and still in need of being washed. But everyone is in hiding today, too bad it won't last. I sometimes wonder how they make it, I have never understood how people can have a job with no transportation, or live based on the assumption that somewhere in the 18 apartments is whatever you are going to need from the store. So why bother buying cigarettes or food when your neighbors will for you?
I am really one to talk, being out of work as long as I have been. If it weren't for Chelle I would have jumped off the railing a long time ago, or at least drove down the highway 100 miles an hour blindfolded in the wrong direction. She always tells me she knows I would do the same for her, and she's right. Given the chance I want to spend the rest of my days on this flying ball of dirt showing her just how right she is. That's what love is. We have an unspoken connection between us that transcends words, sometimes I wonder how I could have ever told any other woman I love her when it never felt like this. She used to tell me how overused those three words are and she is right. But she is always right, which can get to be too much at times. that brings out my competitive side, hiding in the conversation like a snake in the grass waiting for my time to strike like a cobra.
We are so bad together though. Some one on the local news died after trying to dive into a lake after their cell phone. Not funny, except we both broke into laughter after she started flailing her arms around and saying "Oh, I can't swim but I have to get my phone". I told her I thought we both were going to burn in Hell for stuff like that. We both have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor, it's one of the many reasons we get along so well. I have never laughed, or cried with, some one like this before. My emotions, like my heart, stayed well behind the walls I spent my life building. Then came Chelle, with her tremendous heart and understanding, and all my walls crumbled. Her favorite song, Irreplaceable, fits where we are now, everything that happens with us seems so natural and in tune with what should be. I never question where this journey is going to lead, I am too busy enjoying the trip itself.

Captain's Blog, Supplemental.......

Sunday has come once again. I'm not used to being idle this time of day. Before my motorcycle accident, I spent every weekend at the Dairy Bar. Sunday was always especially fun, going into work at 4:00 a.m. I hated leaving Chelle in our warm bed, now I'm the one standing at the door as she leaves the apartment complex.
Today it's raining, it started last night while we were downstairs with some of our neighbors. Chelle played Mama Dee in hopscotch, it was an enedearing experience. I sat on the pavement and drew chalk pictures for Lulu while Tammy kept score. Chelle won, of course. I think she tried to hide it but her competitive side came out. "Go legs, go" Tammy shouted from the sidelines. It was funny because Lulu kept picking up the rocks that were marking their progress on the hopscotch board. And I think Mama Dee was a little tipsy too, because she drew an extra line that added a block to the board where it shouldn't have been.
Chelle and I like to joke around and call this place the Ghetto, but it's full of surprises. The more time we spend with our neighbors, we get to see some really nice moments and get a better understanding of the people here. I love Lulu, she always looks up to our balcony the moment she goes outside and yells up "Hey Jerry!". Sometimes I blush because she will say it over and over again, Mama Dee says she has a crush on me. Lately she has learned to say" Hey Chelle", and whenever Chelle drops down flowers, or soap, or Hot-n-spicy pork rinds she will now say "thank you Chelle'. She is so sweet. Lulu is only about 20 months old, and being around here brings out yearnings I have never really seriously thought about before. Now, don't go thinking I'm R.Kelly or anything, maybe it's my own biological clock ( do men have those?), but I want a little girl of my own that loves me like that.
Also yesterday I went and visited with a good friend of mine, whom I really don't get to see as much anymore. We used to work together, some days were so friggin' hilarious. We would make each other laugh so hard that we would shoot whatever beverage we were drinking out of our noses. One Wednesday, I asked him what was he planning on getting accomplished that day. He said "jack", and made a motion in the air with his right arm like he was masturbating air guitar style. I waited for him to take a sip of his Mello Yello and said "so, what is this the Wednesday morning jack-off?". He spit drink out everywhere. He and I have been friends for going on two years now. I try to be a good friend, one dynamic of our relatonship is I try to share with him the life experiences that have altered the way I perceive and do things. Part of me knows that sometimes the only way a person will learn is at their own time and pace, but still I try. If you care for some-one you will let them know before they stumble, and even if they do be there to help them back up if they fall.

It's Friday in the ghetto. Michelle has left for work and it's just the house and I for several hours. Time to share, probably in the process learn a little myself. This week thus far has been an eye-opener, some of the things I have been exposed to are seared into my mind, I don't really think I could even began to describe them. Learning about some-one you love is important if you trully want to underdstand them. In the long run any relationship will benefit from a deeper understanding of one's spouse as well as yourself. Some lessons are hard to swallow, though.
Changing gears for a sec, I went to an orthopaedic specialist in Chapel Hill only to learn that I have way more time left to heal than what I prefer. I will not complain though, a young man whom I knew at the resataraunt beside the one I work at is struggling for his life in Chapel Hill right now. Life is so precious and fragile. If I can take anything away from this experience it is that I am no longer the invincible youth I once thought myself to be.
Yesterday Chelle read "The Alchemist". It was funny because we both took towels down to the grassy area beside the pond and "laid out" together. I kept wanting to get up and go inside, but she was trying to finish the book. So I waited, and she finished the book in just two hours. when we got upstairs and out of the sun, which was scorching, we realized we were both burnt to a crisp. I told Mama Dee we were looking like "Red Lobster". Sometimes when you are in love with some-one you will do more than you thought you were capable of, and you will even put your own needs aside to see that person happy.
This part is kinda tricky, because I don't want to reveal whom I am speaking of but have to get this off of my chest. I am familiar with some-one who didn't appreciate what they had. This person caused some-one I love a great deal of pain and scarred them deeply. Love does not mean that you forgo your partners wishes in pursuit of your own. It also does not mean that you intentionally or through shear unthoughfulness negatively impact another's psyche and mental state of well being. If you really love some-one when they tell you something isn't right you will put on your listening cap and try to within the best of your knowledge rectify the situation. I have learned from being with Michelle that a person really puts themself out there whenever they come to you and say "hey, I don't appreciate this". When this happens, be thankful. Your lover has thought enough of you to verbalize their feelings in the hopes that between the two of you there can be some kind of agreement or understanding reached.
Time to go hang out clothes, and wait for my sweet Baby to come home. :)

Another Uber-Epic Saturday in the Ghetto

So last night was pretty interesting. I actually had to retreat into the apartment, which is usually the opposite of what I would prefer to do after being here all day. But we had company of sorts, Mama Dee and she was all liquored up. I am all for enjoying yourself after work, having a few drinks and even the occasional smoke. But Mama dee was for lack of a better word "Hammered". And the rollercoaster of her emotions was too much, so I let Chelle take point and handle Mama Dee. Two words: bad move. I went inside to watch TV and beg the headache that had developed from my primary exposure to Mama Dee to subside. It seemed like an eternity before I saw Chelle again, and when I did I knew just from the looks she gave me just to keep my lid closed for a while.
(If you choose to get buzzed, think about doing it in the privacy of your own home)
So I have enjoyed the peacefulness of today. I got to wake up beside the most beautiful woman in the world, drink coffee with her and even help pack her lunch today. Shortly after she left I went grocery shopping, washed and hung out clothes, made the hummingbirds new food, cleaned out the fridge, changed the bed linens, did the dishes, and vacuumed the apartment. I would rather be at work, but my employers won't allow me to return until my doctor's release me and they know for sure that I do not have to have surgery on my collarbaone which refuses to go back into place. I have a new respect for the spouse who stays at home and manages the household. You can get pretty bored living at either Lowe's foods, the clothesline, or the other end of the vacuum cleaner. Sometimes I have actually wanted the company of kids just to have some one to interact with. One day.
Things have been pretty decent lately, I only have to flip on the TV and watch a few minutes of the news on Iraq and Afgahnistan and know it could be so much worse. Life is mysterious, times change for people in the strangest manner. Sometimes you are ready, other times you are not. I just hope for those who read this they have some one to talk these things over with. Some one who knows them like no other. Some one who can help you make since of yourself. For me that person is Chelle, and I strive to do the same for her. In so many ways our lives, so seperate and different have moulded us to be perfect matches for one another. When I am able, I want to run with her again, arms flailing, until we collapse. And lying there in the cool grass, I will kiss her neck and face and tell her how much I trully love her.